Business students will be impressed by profit raising changes in the works for student accommodations all over campus. If put into effect, these changes will have students giving out the Benjamins for everything from cappuccinos to extra copies.
Inspired by Martin Shkreli’s brilliant choice to rebrand a life saving toxoplasmosis drug by increasing the price more than 4000 percent, OMM is charging $400 dollars for all made-to-order coffee items, and $70 for any other items containing caffeine.
“If you think about it, it’s sort of like we were just giving away caffeine before. The new pricing will fund research for a better, more modern caffeine alternative,” Craig Craigerson, Chief Counselor of Finance Creativity, explained. Critics may raise concerns about how this will only urge students to seek out unsanctioned, home-brewed alternatives, but Campus Security confirmed Wednesday they are prepared to launch an all-out ‘War on Mugs’ if necessary.
One of the simplest ideas for raising funds is the re-branding of the Lute Bucks system. Instead of the 1:1 transfer rate students have grown accustomed to, one US dollar will now be worth 0.50 Lute Bucks. Students would have to pay twice the amount it actually costs to, for example, do laundry.
“I’m sure it makes sense if you think about, like, inflation or something,” Craigerson said. Craigerson notes the most brilliant aspect of this plan is the potential to apply this change to existing account balances. “I have to credit the idea to my buddy Geoff. I was all ‘wouldn’t that be illegal or something?’ and he was all ‘I don’t know dude.’ Geoff is so smart,” Craigerson said.
Lately students have been reporting that older buildings can get ‘a little sweaty” or “hallucination-inducing level hot,” especially during later hours. This is supposedly a problem with the older heating systems, where the heaters turn on when there is a temperature drop and simply won’t turn off.
“We thought about fixing this problem, but then I remembered every problem is actually a business opportunity,” Craigerson said. The new solution will be to rent out individual ice packs for $40 dollars per hour, or per class. Market research surveys have already been conducted for this new amenity. “I don’t care, I’ll give you my house if you want, just give me the ice little birdie!” a delusional student said.
Freshmen Parking Pass
For the same $50 price as any other student parking pass, first year students would be given a special pass which would force them to park on the “sketchiest, most garbage-y” lots on lower campus. Even residents of Harstad, a primarily first year dorm which has its own parking lot, would have to walk all the way across campus any time they need to get themselves or a friend anywhere. “Oh, wait, apparently this is already a thing we do here,” Craigerson added. ◼︎