Opinion Writer

Myra Maines, a Pacific Lutheran University junior, approached reporters this week with claims that she plans to train the campus squirrels.

“We’ve all thought about it. It’s time someone steps up and does it. And that someone is me,” she said.
Maines clarified that she was not afraid of students knowing her as the master of the squirrels She doesn’t however, want to get in trouble. She claimed this mission is “too important to be stopped by Campo or the Humane Society or whatever.”
According to the Revised Code of Washington, it is illegal to possess wildlife without a license, but it doesn’t say anything about training wildlife in the wild, so anything else is supposedly for PLU to decide.

“There are a few reasons why I’ve decided I need to do this now,” the woman said, “the first is that the squirrels are out of control.” Indeed, there have been reports around campus of squirrels frightening students by yelling from trees or jumping out at them from trash cans.

“If I can train the squirrels, it would definitely teach them that humans are friends.”
The student also claims to have personal reasons for training the squirrels, involving her own safety.
“Campus Security is all the way on the edge of upper campus, so if I’m really in trouble, it will at least take them a couple minutes to get to me. But squirrels are everywhere. If someone tries to steal my money, I could just blow a
whistle, and boom. The thief is surrounded by squirrels,” she said.

The student added that if administration ‘got on board,’ she could use the squirrels to solve some other campus problems. One example Maines listed was the apparent infestation of bats in Ramstad building.

“Let me in there with a few highly trained squirrels, and we’ll
take care of those little monsters,”she said.

Finally, Maines told reporters the reason she approached The Mast with her master plan: she has no idea how to train squirrels.

“I tried throwing one of them a cracker and it ran up a tree,” she admitted. She asks any readers who may have experience or even ideas for squirrel training to reach out to her. The Mast has agreed to accept emails and continuously refresh Yik Yak on her behalf. ◼︎

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