Satire: 7 simple ways to save the planet

JULIA GROSEVENOR; Opinion Writer: grosvejm@plu.edu

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Take a reusable bag to OMM

It’s that time of year when everyone either has way too many dining dollars or they just restocked after guilting their parents about starving. Either way, buying snacks is now a serious task. The cashier doesn’t even need to ask, they just whip out the paper bags. Instead of wasting that paper, how about a reusable bag?  They can be found almost anywhere and they are never expensive. Come for the cool designs and stay for the convenience of never tearing a bag again!

Why you won’t do it: If you’re still dealing with leaving your assignments on your desk, there’s no way you’re remembering to bring an empty bag on the off-chance you feel like shopping.

Own actual dishes…and silverware!aprilgreen6

Buying paper plates and plastic forks might seem like a decent choice as a first-year, but the sucky thing about disposables is that they get disposed and restocked and disposed. Unless there’s a new fad diet only the horizon that only allows food that can be eaten with one’s bare hands, there’s nothing economic about cheaping out on cutlery. Seriously, they sell normal dishes at the dollar store. Go get some.

Why you won’t do it: Buying normal adult things makes you feel too much like a grown-up and you are terrified of growing old and facing your own mediocrity.

aprilgreen3Cut back on showering..seriously

Dermatologists actually say that the best thing for your skin is to shower less (every 2-3 days, and avoiding really hot water) but most college students are already stinky grease-balls, so instead try to take shorter showers, or turn off the water until it’s time to rinse.

Why you won’t do it: You stopped respecting my opinion as soon as you read the “shower less” thing. But I’m right, and you can Google it.

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Avoid the landfill

It’s 2016, you’re on an eco-friendly campus, and there are more ways to avoid throwing things in the trash than ever before. Pretty much anything that looks like it was recently a plant or edible or somewhat organic can be put in the compost. Even some plastics can be composted, if they have a leaf or something on them. And most of everything else is recyclable if it is clean. Everybody deserves less garbage.

Why you won’t do it: The compost bin is all the way at the end of the haaaaaallllll… uuuggghhhh… We’ll be lucky if you recycle this newspaper anyway.

aprilgreen2Rent, resell, recycle textbooks

There’s nothing like the fresh, crisp, chemically smell of a new textbook- and there’s also nothing like the price of one. E-books are great, but for some reason, they are also really expensive most of the time. Fortunately, getting a hold of a used book saves money and saves all the resources that would have gone into printing a new one. And when it’s served its purpose, you can send it to a new home (a recycling plant also works). Plus, there’s nothing like old book smell!

Why you won’t do it: Ew, this has pencil marks in it, and some of the page corners are folded in! Yucky.

Only do full loads of laundryaprilgreen4

Surprisingly, this isn’t a water thing.  A washing machine uses about the same amount of energy washing small loads as it does large ones. For the same reason it’s also a good idea to wash with cold rather than warm water. This is a perfect opportunity to be more lazy about chores!

Why you won’t do it: Either you already do this, or you want to but you’re still mad at me for suggesting less showers. Your “me time” is sacred and I’m sorry I said anything, ok? 🅼

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