JULIA GROSVENOR; Satirist: firstname.lastname@example.org
Now that the primaries are ending, it’s time for the winners to announce who their choice for vice president is going to be. Apparently science has the answer.
At the end of April, around the time this article was written, one of the computers in Pacific Lutheran University’s own Mortvedt Library went beserk. Information and Technology Services staff member Annie Edison, whom the problem was first reported to, had a few things to tell us. “My only guess is that somebody must have had too many tabs open with Donald Trump articles and Bernie versus Hillary memes, and then they got a virus. Who knows? The fun thing about technology is that it’s all a mystery,” said Edison.
What Edison doesn’t know, however, is that the glitch on the computer spurred a complex political algorithm. Edison, after studying the program, said, “The best way I can explain it is like the computer was troubleshooting a broken process by trying to find a compatible driver, only instead of like, trying to connect a printer to a laptop, it is trying to fix the presidential election, and it’s finding the missing component of a vice president for each candidate.”
This is when the Mast and Information and Technology Services called in Junior Chad Danforth, the only political science and computer science double major, to explain the situation better. “It is really simple actually. The program is factoring the advantages and the shortcomings of each candidate according to public opinion against individuals with compatible traits in an internet-encompassing database.” Danforth nicknamed the program PARM, short for Political Algorithm for Running Mates and was then able to code the program to provide comprehensive reasoning behind each choice. They are listed below, in alphabetical order according to candidate’s last name, because PARM said for some reason that it would delete everything if the information was presented in any other order.
Hillary Clinton – Daniel with the White Vans
PARM: “Clinton’s biggest downfall is with millennials, who control the internet and the all important sub-domain of memes. Despite Clinton’s many attempts to pander to this generation, she has failed miserably, whereas Daniel Lara became a sensation without doing anything besides wearing some clean shoes with a cute smile. Plus Daniel has a reputation for philanthropy after donating his lifetime supply of Vans to a children’s hospital. This should balance Clinton’s more ethically questionable power-grabbing tendencies.”
Ted Cruz – Lil’ Bub
PARM: “In order to become president, Cruz must deal with his deep ‘dis-likability’ across all American groups, having been publicly denounced by seemingly everyone from George W. Bush to his former roommate at Princeton. Lil’ Bub is merely an adorable munchkin cat with birth defects making him even more adorable. Cruz will not need to worry about how punchable his face is if he holds up a sweet kitty eating yogurt in front of it.”
John Kasich – Alexander Hamilton
PARM: “The recent Broadway smash hit based on the life of this founding father has pushed him to the forefront of national popularity. His experience in executive and legislative branches make him incredibly qualified. On top of this, conservatives would admire his historical legacy, while liberals while vote for him simply because of how well Lin-Manuel Miranda plays him. While his availability as a candidate is nearly impossible since he was shot by Aaron Burr, so is John Kasich winning the nomination.”
Bernie Sanders – Beyonce
PARM: “Sanders has known dominion over millennials, Independents and even some Republicans, but there are far more demographics to break down between him and Hilary. There is a stark racial demographic difference between the two, with Clinton thus far having consistently won over non-white voters. Sanders also falls behind with high incomes, women and southern states in general. Beyonce Knowles is a wealthy African-American woman from Texas. Also, she’s BEYONCE.”
Donald Trump – Kanye West
PARM: West and Trump are ideological opposites with strategic similarities. Both are rumored to have only gotten involved in politics for the sake of shaking up the establishment, both reach public favor by going for as much controversial attention as possible and both have handled a lot of money despite not having the financial success expected from them. Of course, they certainly would clash with each other, but both have supporters so loyal not even the presence of someone they detest could lose the vote of either group.
Our condolences to Ted Cruz’s campaign.
We’re truly, truly, sorry.
Really, really, sorry.
Sorry, Ted Cruz.