JULIA GROSVENOR; Opinion Writer; firstname.lastname@example.org
This summer’s news was a huge joke. Honestly, if the world keeps this up, we won’t even need a satire section anymore. Don’t believe me? Well, see if you can guess which of these three news stories didn’t actually happen this summer!
Child jumps out of car to “catch them all”
Pokémon Go, an app developed by Niantic, reached dizzying levels of popularity within hours of its release this July. Teens and young adults praise the game for making everyday life more exciting. It certainly made an Idaho mother’s day more exciting, anyway. She was driving through an intersection at a respectable 25 miles per hour one day, when her 10-year-old son told her to stop the car so he could catch Pokémon. The mother told police she was confused about her son’s request, seeing as there was no traffic and she had a green light, so she continued on through. According to police reports, her son proceeded to jump from the moving vehicle with the intention of catching “several rare Pokémon.” Which Pokémon specifically is unknown — the police didn’t question any further. The boy was taken to the emergency room after the event and although his injuries were not disclosed, his condition was non-critical.
Leaked DNC email: “Eat my butt”
There was lots of drama before the Democratic National Convention in July after WikiLeaks released thousands of emails from the Democratic National Committee. The emails contained plenty of controversial content suggesting the DNC favored Hillary Clinton, and even proposed using Bernie Sanders’ religious beliefs against him to turn public favor. The most shocking email, however, was sent in early May 2016, with the subject line “tiny suggestion” from one anonymous staff member to another. The entire message was just three words: “Eat my butt.” Whether a butt was eaten remains unknown.
Presidential candidates pay respects to Harambe
After the tragic May 28 shooting of silverback gorilla Harambe at the Cincinnati Zoo, the internet quickly showed the ape the highest form of respect: turning him into a meme. Even Donald Trump appeared to pay Harambe respect, describing the gorilla as “beautiful and calm” during his final moments. Jill Stein tweeted in mourning of Harambe on the three month anniversary of his death. This was a shocking show of support for her competition, as Harambe was beating Stein in public favor polls by three percent. However, Hillary Clinton has yet to issue a statement about Harambe. Perhaps she was too busy telling voters to “Pokémon Go” to the polls. ◼︎