JULIA GROSVENOR; Satirist: firstname.lastname@example.org
Here at Pacific Lutheran University, students pretty much accept that life will be horrible until the end of May. However, Biological Anthropology professor Marcella Piaazo has noticed a trend occurring outside the scope of the LuteDome.
According to Piaazo, “Stressed students appear to be releasing a pheromone that is causing mass despair across the country, and possibly the world.”
Piaazo first noticed this phenomenon when she was watching the news. According to her analysis, Ted Cruz dropping out of the presidential race is a lot like a student who has a D+ and is hoping to improve his grade with the final, but then he flunks one last assignment and loses the willpower to continue.
Similarly, Donald Trump is the student everyone almost dislikes and swears is cheating but keeps getting perfect grades. Although it seemed he was starting to falter, the power of finals season has brought him back to an undeniable 4.0 of political success.
Kasich, for anyone who cares, was mostly like the student who was really trying his best the whole time, but never got a chance, and the approach of finals just let him know if he dropped out at least he could spare himself further stress.
HBO’s hit TV show “Game of Thrones” is yet another possible victim. [Warning, the rest of this paragraph may contain spoilers for Season 6.] The writers have taken on the responsibility of passing up the storyline George R. R. Martin has written with the books, although there are still some remaining plots due to diverging timelines. Yet the writer appear to have taken the pressure of looming responsibilities, and let that stress break them down so they destroy all the remaining safeties they had, such as destroying the original plot for Dorn by having Ellaria Sands kill all the Martells.
Piaazo recommends that everyone, whether they have yet to get hit by the finals bug or not, to take some precautions.
“Make sure you have plenty of food and cozy blankets stocked up. Stop watching TV now if you can, don’t start any new shows. Maybe even have your parents change the Netflix account password, if you still don’t pay for your own Netflix. Get all your schedules up to date and prepare an evacuation plan in case everything fails. And most importantly, purchase all of the caffeinated beverages you can, because it’s going to be a long couple of nights,” Piaazo said.