JULIA GROSVENOR
Satirist
grosvejm@plu.edu
The start of spring semester classes was rocked by social disaster for a few poor students.
“It’s an issue we all worry about, like, we all try and double check our schedules on the first day. And it happens, we hear the stories. I just never thought it would happen to him,”
Henry Munder, roommate to one of the victims, said. But in fact, there were more than a dozen cases of students walking into the wrong classrooms last week.
“I walked into the room, and I just knew it. I just knew,” Lexi Cork said, still suffering from shock days after the incident. “But I asked. I asked anyway. ‘Is this CHEM 233?’ But no. No. It wasn’t. They didn’t say anything for a whole minute. It was so quiet. Why did
n’t they say anything?” Cork screamed.
It was at this point that Cork started screaming out the names of every room number from her schedule repeatedly and could no longer be reached for comment.
Along with Cork, many other students were torn apart by the pressure.
“This guy Dave, I actually know him from last semester, walked right into my class, in the middle of the period. I think he mixed up the time.
“As soon as he opened the door and saw us all his eyes just glazed over. He definitely died inside that very moment. I haven’t seen him since,” Brynn Shesner said.
It is true that about 35 college students go missing every year due to schedule confusion related accidents, according to a study conducted by University Analysis Studiers, LLC.
Victims and their friends have started to lash out, insisting there may be more to blame here than mild stupidity.
Particularly critics are pointing to last minute schedule changes, labyrinth-like building layouts and even visual confusion of numbers.
“I mean, you tell a kid to meet you in 252, he walks into 225, and suddenly everyone is crying and laughing and pointing and making fun of his big nose. And you’re telling me that this campus has done nothing to prevent that from happening? It’s just unacceptable,” Professor Louis Putnam said.
But this isn’t the end of the world right? Don’t jump to conclusions on that. Professor Teresa Chung has her own theory
“It says in the Bible that one of the signs of the apocalypse is going to be a time of great deception, lies and confusion, despite another one of the signs being a vast increase of knowledge,” Chung said.
“I mean, how else do you explain how these students who are all so worried about this and keep checking everything with their smartphones and Google Calendars, are still having this happen to them? It’s definitely the end times.”
Dr. Chung, a professor of sociology, has never formally instructed nor studied religion and lists ‘the internet’ as her source for this information.
