A night of intimate alone time featured blaring alarms and the sweet sounds of knocking doors interwoven with the sensual whisper “RA on duty.”
The quintessential moments of Valentine’s Day, defined by the exchange of loving gifts and the passing of intimate touches, were interrupted by scheduled fire alarms and fire safety checks.
Standing in a towel outside Harstad, 5th-year Marrisa Plog stated through chattering teeth, “My Tinder date is still inside. I couldn’t find the key to the handcuffs so I just put earmuffs on her and came out here.” Plog was later dead-named when PLU resident staff called off the names.
Other students admitted that the addition of RA’s to their romantic late-night home-cooked meals was unnecessary, but the implementation of becoming wait staff was an interesting twist on the usual fire safety checks.
PLU 4th year RA Millie Gongirl of South Hall was happy to participate in the new PLU tradition. “Many people will say that the implementation of a 6:00 p.m. fire alarm followed by an 8:30-10:30 p.m. fire safety check is a cock-block- especially considering it’s happening on the only intentionally romantic and sexually charged holiday outside of Arbor Day. I say embrace the unknowing! There’s nothing like the thrill of being walked in on by a Community Director,” said Gongirl.
Community Director Michael Bean doesn’t see the big deal. “What are people even supposed to do on Valentine’s Day? I don’t believe in engaging with PLU students anyways. Plus, what would someone even do? How do those things even work anyways? What are you supposed to do with your-.” The rest of the interview has been redacted to fit community standards.
No matter what or who you did for Valentine’s Day, know that PLU only wants the best for everyone involved. Here at the Mast, we hope that the fire stays in your hearts and doesn’t move to your crotch in the coming weeks. Happy Valentine’s Day!
