Students returning for the fall semester after a long summer break were met with tragedy in the Admin building when they came face to face with the grave of the Lute Cafe, tucked away under the stairs where the small snack bar once operated. The place–though known for its poppy seed muffins with suspicious amounts of almond slices and sandwiches a day away from retirement–had been a source of comfort for those who visited. Serving up hot drinks, chilled snacks, and sweet treats, the Lute Cafe had been a bastion of bites to eat between classes. Overall, the atmosphere following the sight was abysmal. Onlookers who hurried by the scene tried not to make eye contact with the recently disturbed floor tiles. One young man, whose name couldn’t be written down clearly in the face of his incoherently loud sniffling and weeping, was determined to comment none-the-less. “How am I supposed to soothe my throat with a hot coffee before my 3:45 class?” our on-scene reporter managed to parse. “OMM is just too far away to travel when it’s pouring. I’ll freeze out there! I’ll miss the five minute grace period getting there and back in a class that grades on attendance!”
Reeling from the sudden loss with no explanation in sight, Mast reporters set out to investigate the unexpected tragedy. Stacy Sign, who has allegedly been holding vigil for her friend day and night since the loss, didn’t have much to say to us. “Visit Old Main Market in the Anderson University Center,” she stated after some probing, white as a sheet. Unfortunately, Mister O.M.M was unavailable for commenting, and Kelley Cafe–his wife–didn’t have much information herself. “It’s been weeks since our daughter suddenly collapsed from the foundation up. They wheeled her out in a rush when it happened,” she rattled out, “and my husband and I didn’t have the courage to see her remains before the closed-casket ceremony.”
Though most would consider this a closed case, leaving room for kind parting words before the end, one esteemed researcher noticed gaps in the story. Information didn’t quite line up, with previously available public information on the Lute Cafe’s business being erased without reference. Suspecting foul play, The Mast dug deeper, eventually discovering a shocking twist: the Lute Cafe was in fact alive, and had actually run away with her lover to be married discretely in a Vegas chapel before honeymooning in the Bahamas. This was all discovered through Stacy Sign’s recently reshared post in her Stories, which featured the Makerspace — another former PLU space which had once taken up residence in Hinderlie Hall–and his new wife, who was clearly the Lute Cafe with a wedding white paint job and a badly-applied pair-of-sunglasses decal.
For those who aren’t familiar, the Makerspace was dismissed from his position early last fall, finding himself soft fired after failing to meet the Innovation Study’s projected quarterly quota. Records document he’s been traveling around libraries since, providing valuable equipment and much-needed room to underserved communities who need the space for creativity and innovation. Though our journalists can only speculate from here, it’s suspected the Lute Cafe took advantage of a bad collapse to fake her death and hurry off to join her beloved–whom her parents had disapproved of ever since his disgrace and subsequent removal from campus. With this in mind, we can only wish them well in the coming years- and hope the Lute Cafe’s extended family is not particularly interested in the Opinions section.
